Far Too Much Time On My Hands

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September 9th, 2010

* I was wondering if it’s too late to get a whacked-out “church” down in Florida to burn Spiritual Wanderer on September 11th. The world-wide publicity could really help my sales.

* I invested wisely; thank goodness I never fell for one of Henry Winkler’s Fonzie schemes.   

* In “She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain,” who is she?

* Did you know the world gullllible isn’t in the Dictionary?    

* Those primitive cave drawings we’ve all seen? Yeah, they’re crap. My baby nephew could do better and he’s never even witnessed an antelope slaughter.

* Would Elvis Costello be as popular if his Mom had named him after his uncle Abbott?

* To me, the real Guitar Hero is the workaday schlub who comes home from his craptastic office job to his dingy basement apartment, pulls out his beat up six-string, then uses it to rescue orphans from a burning building.

* When nobody’s around and I’m cleaning up the kitchen, putting away leftovers, I turn up my favorite urban music really loud. I’m way into Saran rap.

* Rembrandt used to bilk everyone he ran into. There wasn’t a person he didn’t try to swindle. He was the original con artist.

* The local synagogue is planning a Passover trip for kids to Seder Pointe.

* Have you ever swam in a carpool? I did once but got felt up by a Dodge Prowler.

* If one more middle-aged white guy tells me, “you da bomb,” I’m just gonna explode.

* Man, growing up the Bee Gees gave me the Heebie Jeebies.

* I reconnected with a good college friend, Christa. She was married for a while to a dude named Stan Ball. She still goes by Christa Ball though since — even though as a little girl it meant nothing — as a grownup her maiden name Meth drew too many late night phone calls.

* Maybe it’s me, but I think Trappist monks should have to eat everything they trap.

* I wonder if before Lady Gaga’s collaborators got to it, she originally was signing about an enigmatic NBC weather man; “can’t read Al, can’t read Al, no I can’t read Al Roker’s face.”

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