Rodney Curtis

Frank and Mary come to us courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

If you don’t want tax increases, excessive government intrusion in your lives, Constitutionally mandated soul replacements and yet even more tax increases, vote for Proposal Z. Tell the politicians YOU want to decide whether or not jeggings are a crime. A vote for this candidate is a vote for Satan.

Look, I know the political season is a boon to our economy, but I just can’t wait until November 7th when all the attack ads crawl back into the holes from which they were spawned. The money being spent on TV, radio and ink-on-paper mailers is astounding. But remind me in four years to set up shop as a printer or television station so I can get in on the insane cashflow. I’d need earplugs though, or blinders.

Same thing with phone calls. We’re on the National Do Not Call Registry, which I think alerts all the campaigns and special interests that we really do, in fact, want to be bothered several times a day. Sometimes I answer their queries; sometimes they offend me. Once I was even hung up on when I told them I was voting for Candidate B over Candidate A.

We’ve received mailings — on the same topic from different sides — showing a politician in a lion’s den, then that same politician as a demon in a slasher movie. Please forgive me if I wanted the lions to eat that candidate. Maybe it’s because our own Detroit Lions aren’t doing so hot. Our Tigers either, but that’s a whole other debacle.

I know there are more important things to be upset about; Syria, Iran, Frankenstorm. But when politics get personal — and by personal I mean when they bother me on the phone, in the mail and on TV — then I find myself becoming ornery. I think most people have decided who to vote for. I also think negative advertising, this late in the game, isn’t helping anyone.

I’ve come to believe, after careful, sound reasoning, that on Michigan’s ballot proposals, any advertising that disagrees with the position I’m taking is all just a pack of lies. I’ve researched each proposal thoroughly and know, deep down, that my opinion is far more valid than the opposition’s.

So it is with childlike euphoria that I await the evenings, snuggled in front of Modern Family, with nary a phone, television or mailbox interuption to disturb my reverie.

But what’s this I see just now? Christmas ads are already on the television and shouting out at me in chain stores a week before Halloween even falls? Oh goody, more advertising to complain about.

If Santa robocalls me at home asking for my vote …