Zombie Puss Green

Dear Agents, Editors, Media Contacts, and other employment offering individuals,

Please, don’t call me this week.

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, because really I do. I desperately want to tell you about my writing projects. I want to sell you on my engaging wit and my clever turn of a phrase and my unique voice – but therein lies the problem. As of approximately 6:00 last evening I am without voice. Avox. I am the Silent One.

Due to a rampant sinus infection, the best I can do is a sad little wheeze. If I want to get the attention of my boys I have to snap my fingers or clap my hands to first get them to look at me, whisper and pantomime my command (because we don’t “converse” when one of us can’t speak), then afix them with the Glare of Doom until they stop whining and go do what they’ve been told. It’s surprisingly effective. (Of course the Glare of Doom is a patented product only available to mothers and mean teachers, so you may be out of luck there.)

The worst part is not the inability to speak, though. It is the other sinus infection product, the stuff that has coated my throat and caused my vocal chords to seize up. Big, lovely, juicy chunks and blobs of zombie puss green mucus that I’ve been coughing up and blowing out of my nose. Blech! How do I know it’s zombie puss green? Because Cherie Priest explained zombie puss in great detail in Dreadnought, which I finished reading last night. It’s green, it gets crusty when it oozes to the surface and it stinks.

So this is fair warning to you all: keep your fingers away from my mouth.

And call me next week. I’m writing a biography on my life as a zombie and I think it’s going to be a best seller.

Sincerely Yours,

Jane Wells

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  1. your writing has evoked a response in my stomach.

    • Oooh, sorry about that, sis. “Exorcist puke green” might have been slightly less offensive – but that’s so last century… 🙂

  2. Ahh, Janie, my Middle-Most. I feel for you. Perhaps I should give you the teachers bell I used to use on you and your sisters when my voice had forsaken me. I still have it. I have resorted to using an old cow bell when I want to get your dad’s attention.. . . .

    Although the great green globs have stopped your voice, they havn’t stopped your communicating!!

    • I thought about mentioning the bell! My ear piercing whistle is just as effective – although the boys don’t have the Pavlovian “come running” response down yet like we did to your bell…

  3. Hmm.. if you get bored while not talking, a book series I think you would REALLY enjoy if you haven’t read them yet is Suzanne Collins ‘The Hunger Games’ trilogy. Best series I have read in long time. I actually liked it better than Twilight.. I know blasphemy right!

    • I also completely loved The Hunger Games trilogy, hence the Avox reference! I want to read them again – and this time not wait months and months and months between books because they were still being printed and released.

  4. Oh and when is your book going to be available on Amazon.. I have some friends interested in it and they can’t find it and I thought it was available there already. Let me know. 🙂

    • Good question! I don’t know why it doesn’t show up on Amazon.com right now. I’ll have to contact my publisher to figure that out. In the meantime, if you could kindly send them to this website, they can purchase it there. Or – even better – I have a few here at home I’d be glad to sell, without any shipping or handling charges!

      • I’ll talk to them and see.. And the Avox comment is what made me think of the Hunger games but for some reason didn’t put the two together with you having read it..lol.. All I can say is my brain is probably close to the usefulness of Zombie puss itself!! This semester has kicked my behind!

  5. great post, thanks for sharing