Carissa Woodwyk: My Adoption Story

CARISSA WOODWYK, a family therapist and the co-author of "Before You Were Mine," a guidebook for Christian parents who have adopted children, shares her own story with us today. (Click on the book cover below to jump to our review -- and buy a copy, if you wish.)

    What follows are her eloquent words just as she wrote them. They're her insights as an evangelical Christian, reflecting on the blessings and the lingering challenges she sees in such a spiritual journey. Whatever your faith, read her story and you'll see the universal yearnings for spiritual identity that she so powerfully describes. And, perhaps, you'll think about the stories of the world's millions of adopted children in fresh ways after reading her story:

    I used to begin telling My Adoption Story like this…
    "I was born in Korea and, at the age of five months, I was adopted into a pastor’s home in Michigan.” The rest of the story consisted of the events and experiences after that point.
    But, over the past eight years, I have come to realize that there is much more to my story. My story began at conception, not when I was adopted. So, here is my full life story…

   I was conceived in South Korea. My birthmother and birthfather are unknown people to me. Unfortunately, I do not have the details surrounding my conception, information regarding my parents' relationship, nor the reasons why I was relinquished at such a young age. I do know, however, that my adoption papers report that I was "abandoned" and left at a Korean orphanage. Again, the specific details including ages and time frames have not been available to me (nor have I done in-depth research), but I do know that I spent time in both an orphanage and foster home before arriving in the United States.
    After being relinquished by my Korean birthparents to an orphanage and foster home by the age of five months, I was flown to the United States and was adopted by a pastor and his wife who had already adopted an American-born son, 14 months older.
    Growing up in America and becoming a part of this family seemed to be going just fine. Shouldn't every baby be grateful that he or she was adopted? Who knew what kind of life he or she would have had in Korea?

    For me, internally, I had a quiet understanding that I needed to be grateful for having this new life in America. You could even say that I was a "good" adoptee.
    Could it be, though, that I was secretly and even unknowingly grieving my losses? What does a child learn about people, the world and themselves when her birthmother, birthfather, orphanage and foster family all say, "We are not able to keep you."
    Oh, we want so much to believe that there is little or no impact on an adopted child, but oh, the impact is so significant!
    There are emotional consequences that impact an adoptee’s heart. They begin when a birthmother is contemplating giving up her baby and they linger throughout his or her adult life. Questions surface, but most are unanswerable. For each adoptee, the way he or she learns to cope with the impact varies, but for each one, the impact is great.
    It is what I learned to do with the impact that became significant.

    I have learned that my story does not contain challenges, grief and loss because I was "adopted," but rather because I was "relinquished." Adoptive parents and families are not always aware of how being relinquished has deeply impacted their adopted child. They are just so thankful to have that child in their life. But, all the while adoptive parents are rejoicing and celebrating, their adopted child is grieving the missing parts of his or her life before living with their family. Their adopted child has lost a part of his or her history, his or her DNA, his or her life –- and no one is available to talk about it.
    So, as I grew up, there were many unknown and missing pieces. Pieces that no one seemed to care about, and unfortunately, not even me. I did not know better. I was not aware that there were pieces of me left in Korea. Pieces that had the ability to bring meaning and definition to who I was. Pieces of my story that had shaped me.
    Pieces of my life.

    So, without realizing the significant impact of being relinquished, nor knowing I needed to grieve what I had lost, I unconsciously became a fighter. My identity was already distorted. See, the Evil One was on the attack from day one. He did not wait until I could cognitively comprehend what had happened to me, He began attacking me and telling me lies about my true self very early on, even in my mother’s womb. Lies about who I was as a person were so deeply embedded so early on in my life. Lies like, "You are too much," and "No one is going to fight for you, so you better fight for yourself,” and "You don’t need anyone," and "No one wants you."
    Immediately in life, I did not receive what all babies need -- bonding, attachment and love from the two people who gave me life. No wonder it is so hard even today to give and receive love. I did not learn early on that I deserved it. Every baby deserves to be celebrated when they arrive in the world. My birth was not celebrated. I was not celebrated.
    The world tells each of us in a unique way that who we are is not OK. For some people the message is, "You are not enough." For others the message is, "You are too much."
    I have had to wrestle with this lie my whole life. But, I have to remember, it is a lie. I am NOT too much. My Heavenly Father delights in me just the way I am. He sees my heart and he loves me unconditionally just the way I am. There is such comfort, such assurance and such peace in believing this truth.

    Well, I grew up into quite a "perfect" young lady.
    My adoptive parents were good, faithful, wise, diligent and protective parents. They loved me the best they knew how to love a child. They instilled in me many great things -- a strong foundation of faith, what it means to be a woman, how to interact with people, how to be a successfully functioning person in today's society -- so many invaluable lessons.
    But, even though my "outside" looked good, my accomplishments were great and I seemed to have it all together, my heart was still wounded from my relinquishment and it desperately needed healing. I had learned to find my identity in being a "good" person and "doing" rather than "being."

    After a variety of life experiences and a growing awareness of the impact of my relinquishment, I began exploring who I was as a relinquished baby and an adopted daughter.
    God drew me to a healing journey. God had to take me back and help me see the painful parts of my story. I had to look at my experiences straight on and not through the lenses which I created or was taught to look through. I had to be honest about what happened to me and what it did to my tender heart. I had to grieve what I had lost. I had to grieve the missing pieces that I may never know.
    I had to awaken the parts of me that I had silenced so many years ago.
    I had to be truthful about the lies I had believed about myself and others. I had to take an honest look at what I had done with my grief, my pain and my wounds. I had to see that I had lived life on the offense, trying to control those around me and my surroundings in an attempt to not be disappointed. I had to face the truth that my heart had shut down and that I had lived life out of my head rather than out of the balance of my head AND heart.

    I had to forgive –- others and myself.
    I had to stop hiding behind perfectionism, accomplishments and performance. I had to see the reality of my relationships and how I could so easily withhold goodness and love and how I even sabotaged myself from receiving others’ compassion and grace. I had to face the harsh reality that I had learned to do life alone. Not fully alone, but alone in the sense that if anyone abandoned me, I would be OK.
    But, this is no way to live.
    God was inviting me to so much more -– to live a life with myself and with others in freedom and bold love. What God's Son did on the cross allows my brokenness to be restored and healed. I had a choice: Would I receive God's love and forgiveness or would I believe the lie that my heart was not worth fighting for?

    Well, I chose to fight.
    Today, I am choosing to use the very thing that kept me protected from pain (but limited me) and use it for good. I am choosing to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be open, to be accepting, to be courageous, to take risks, to be humble, to have needs, to have longings, but mostly I am choosing to fight for my heart.
    I am learning to see that in the midst of my life that it is not about eliminating the past –- the hurt, the suffering, the bad things -- but that God so desperately wants me to use what happened –- the good and the bad -- for good.
    And all the while, God was quietly, patiently and lovingly shaping the deep parts of my heart. God kept pursuing my heart. I love that about Him.

    See, the "best" kind of life is knowing who you are and having the ability to offer who you are to those around you.
    So, over the past ten years, I have been exploring who I am. I am understanding more and more why I am the way I am. I am learning what makes me come alive, what disappoints me, what empowers me, what I fear, what I long for, what I need and what I find beautiful. God has given definition to who I am as a woman, as a wife, as an adoptee, as a family member, as a friend, as a professional, and soon to be Mom.
    I am learning what it means to have a relationship with myself and not live life being driven by what others think of me or fulfilling other’s expectations of me. I am ME. I am learning to love me so that I can love my husband, my family, my friends and those around me well -- even when it seems impossible.

    I have been on a healing journey and I can truly say that it has been freeing.
    I had to embrace my past -- all of my past -- before I could move forward. This journey is about knowing your heart and living life out of your FULL heart. It is about living alive –- FULLY alive!
    It is about being the beautiful, mysterious, gifted woman I was created to be. It is about radiating the unique image of Christ that is in me.

    And, the truth is: Those early lies still creep into my head in the most random and sneaky ways, and my wounds still get triggered, but now I have God’s truth to hold up to those lies as I endlessly pursue God’s best for me. I keep hearing God's gentle voice whispering to me, “I created you, not those two people.”
    So, maybe my beginnings started out unfairly -- in a way that God would never have intended for a baby to start her life. But, I have the opportunity to partner with God to make something beautiful out of my life -- and all the glory goes to God.
    I can choose despair or I can choose hope.
    I can choose death or I can choose life.
    I choose hope and I choose life!

    Ultimately, it's knowing that the story of your heart matters.